7-2 A Short Course on Marital Burnout
One or both partners in a marriage can experience a whole series of feelings and exhibit a series of attitudes and behaviors which are termed Burnout.
Burnout is a Loss of Focus in the Marriage
A. Factors in Marital Burnout are:
1. External Factors Contributing to Marital Burnout
a) The state of the home or physical living condition of the couple
b) The personality functioning of the spouses.
2. Internal Factors Contributing to Marital Burnout
a) The motivation of the partners to reduce stress in their lives;
b) The situational reaction to specific stimuli in the marriage and the stress which results.
c) The mourning for the self-image of ''being special" in this marriage resulting in:
- Depression
- Not being able to meet idealistic vision of self as spouse and expecting self to do too much in the marriage
- Feeling of being more enlightened than partner and frustrated in not being able to see the results of such enlightened opinions or ideas in the marriage
3. Partnership Dynamics Contributing to Burnout in Marriage
a) How the partners relate in the marriage
b) The lines of authority and how strictly they are enforced in marriage
c) Unrealistic expectations concerning the marriage
d) The maintenance of one partner as underdog
e) The exercise of control and power in the marriage
f) The existence of supportive mechanisms in the marriage
4. Marital Roles and Behaviors
a) The expectations for and resulting behaviors in fulfilling the role expectations
b) The required time and energy to fulfill roles
c) The requirements for appropriate dress or ''uniform" one spouse expects of other
d) The need to be "appropriate" in the marriage
B. Characteristics of the Burnout Partner as Victim:
Burnout Partners are Victims Who:
a) Operate out of weakness rather than strength
b) Have an idealistic vision of self and compare self to others
c) Need to tell partner or be recognized by partner for both positive and negative actions in life
d) Are loyal to the institution oi marriage rather than to themselves as persons
C. The Irrational Partner's Belief System Which Contributes to Burnout:
1. I should "be together" all of the time and should not experience problems like other people do in their marriages.
2. Personal satisfaction in helping my partner should be enough for me and should be rewarding enough in itself.
3. My efforts should always be appreciated by my partner.
4. There is status and prestige in being married to my partner.
5. I should be able to devote 100% of my time and efforts to doing things with my partner.
6. I think I can make dramatic changes in my partner's life through effort, love and the relationship itself.
D. Some Questions Partners Should Ask Themselves to Clarify Motivation so as to Avoid Burnout:
1. To what extent do I get vicarious gratification from my spouse's accomplishments?
2. What needs of mine are being met in this marriage?
3. Am I trying to use my marriage to meet needs that could or should be fulfilled elsewhere in my life?
4. How much does my sense of being productive depend upon my bringing about significant change in my partner?
5. To what extent in this marriage am I getting help for myself to resolve my own problems?
6. How much do I need to have contact with and be admired and loved by verbal, attractive people outside of this relationship?
E. Tips for Handling Marital Burnout:
1. Recognize the symptoms and admit burnout is a problem for you.
2. Learn to ask for help from your partner and others.
3. Be aware of limitations in yourself, your partner, your children, your family and friends.
4. Organize your time better so you can concentrate on vital tasks.
5. Distinguish between stressful aspects of your marriage that you can change and those you can't.
6. If too much time is being taken away from the satisfying aspects of your marriage by unimportant, trivial duties, establish a set of priorities for yourself and discuss it with your partner.
7. Try to view your contacts with your partner's family and friends as a challenge and an opportunity for self-growth, rather than as a source of stress.
8. Make a list of the things you hate doing most in the marriage and see if you can dispense with or delegate many of them.
9. Alternate major tasks in which results won't be seen for a while with those that will be immediately productive and gratifying, so that you have a sense of accomplishment in the middle of a long project.
10. Reach a clear awareness of your needs and motivation on remaining in this marriage.
F. Ways to Prevent Marital Burnout:
1. Have a clear understanding of your partner’s and your own expectations, dreams, hopes and desires for this marriage.
2. Clarify goals and priorities for your partner and you.
3. Maintain personal growth as a goal for each other in the marriage.
4. Develop an active outside life with a variety of interests to bring back to the marriage to enhance it
5. Encourage good communications between you and your partner.
6. Sustain mutual encouragement in the marriage to try out new ideas.
7. Find your own "decompression techniques" such as meditation or exercise, which relieve tension and put you into a more relaxed state of being.
8. Build a support system for you two as a couple among your friends and family in which you both can discuss problems and look for solutions. Don't just air gripes but look for solutions.
9. View marriage as just one aspect of your life and not as the sole determinant of who you are. This can ease a lot of pressure and anxiety on you both.
10. Start out with realistic expectations of what you can hope to achieve in this marriage.
Suggested Discussion Questions
1. What are the factors currently in our marriage which could lead one or both of us to Burnout?
2. What are some dynamics in our couple relationship which could lead to Burnout?
3. What are the role expectations in our marriage that could contribute to Burnout?
4. How can we identify if one or both of us are functioning as victims?
5. What are some irrational beliefs we both hold in our marriage which could lead to Burnout?
6. How clear to one another are our expectations and motivations in our marriage?
7. What are some ways we can assist one another to overcome Marital Burnout if it should occur?
8. What are some ways we can prevent Burnout in our marriage?
9. How do others in our life contribute to help us with Marital Burnout?
10. How does knowing about Burnout help us to make our marriage better?
In your Journal Record Your Personal Notes on this Exercise
