What are effective responses for healthy communication?
Effective responses for healthy communication are those perceived as being empathetic, caring, warm, and thoughtful. The eight responses listed in the order of most effective to least effective. Remember, however, that each of these responses could be effective depending on the context in which it was used.
Study each response, including the examples. Which responses would be most likely to create healthy interpersonal relationships? Repair damaged relationships?
Understanding
An understanding response is most likely to create a climate where honest, frank communication can occur. It is a feelings–oriented response which conveys sensitivity and understanding. Strong negative feelings can become a barrier to communication; this response can diminish those feelings. Understanding is empathy, i.e., accurately tuning in to what the other person is feeling at the time. It implies listening beyond the words and reflecting the feelings.
Examples of Understanding responses:
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You're feeling discouraged and wonder what's the use.
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You're offended and angry.
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You're excited over your new assignment.
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You seem pleased to have been selected.
By focusing on others' feelings you are recognizing them as individuals, persons worthy of your concern. This type of response can reduce hostile feelings in normal persons. It can also be used with persons when they are over–emotional, crying, fearful, etc., to get beyond those feelings, or reactions. Understanding or empathy can repair a damaged relationship.
Clarification
The clarification response indicates your intent to comprehend what the other is saying or to identify the most significant feelings that are emerging. It indicates that what others are saying is important and you are checking it out to ensure your perceptions. This can be done in several ways: echoing the last few words spoken, summarizing the points that seem most relevant, or paraphrasing. A response of this nature can be followed profitably by a period of silence. This gives the others a chance to draw thoughts together or to correct your impression. Clarification responses reinforce your desire to see from the other's point of view.
Examples of Clarification responses:
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I gather that you were able to manage your married life before your baby was born.
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You seem to be saying that you were happier in California and that you would like to go back there.
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Let's see, what you want to do is find a more challenging job?
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If I hear you correctly, you are saying that you could devise a better way of doing this.
This response is useful in reducing hostility. It not only encourages the others to explain more fully, but also serves to focus the discussion, especially when followed by silence on your part. It gives the others a chance to draw their thoughts together and to take responsibility for coming up with their own ideas. Another use for clarification responses is to stall for time to think of a more appropriate response.
Self–disclosure
Self–disclosure shows your attempts to give others insight into who you are. It is sharing something about yourself that relates directly to the conversation: your personal beliefs, attitudes, values, or an event from your past. Self–disclosure can reduce anxiety by reassuring others that they are not alone in their feelings or fears.
Examples of Self-disclosure responses:
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When we had our son the doctor treated us that way, too!
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I have always believed that it was better to keep my mouth shut when my parents were fighting.
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Like you, I never felt as if anyone accepted me for the way I was.
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When I was younger kids always made fun of my weight, the clothes I wore; I know what it is like to stand out in a crowd.
Self–disclosure is useful in connecting with another person who has similar problems or life concerns. In peer support groups this lets newcomers know that they have come to the right place, that there are people here who have experienced similar problems. Over–use of this response is not helpful because it focuses attention on the wrong person. It can be viewed as an attention–getting device. Use sparingly for the best effect.
Questioning
Like it sounds, the question response seeks to elicit information. It allows others to develop a point. Open questions focus on the others' general situation, thoughts, reactions, and feelings. They tend to promote communication. Closed questions focus on specific facts or aspects of the others situation, generally evoking yes or no answers.
Examples of Questioning responses:
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Do you get along well with your boss? (closed)
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Can you tell me about your boss? (open)
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Do you like the new house? (closed)
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What do you like about the new house? (open)
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Is this confusing you? (closed)
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What is it that's confusing you? (open)
Open questions are recommended for exploring a broad topic. Closed questions can be interspersed to get to specific facts or can be used to cut off long, irrelevant explanations. In either case, listening to the answer, both what is said and what is left unsaid, is vital to the questioning process. Caution is needed with questions beginning with why. They pressure the other for an explanation and can cause resentment. Why questions can seem to express disapproval, being perceived as a cut–down or criticism.
Information giving
Information giving involves relating facts in an objective manner without judgment or evaluation. It leaves the other person free to accept or reject the facts. It allows the other to take responsibility for using the information. This response is useful in giving both positive and negative feedback (confrontation). The others relate only to what has actually occurred and the effect that this has had. Words such as always, never, should, ought, are only used in setting limits. (The facts about what must or must not be done, time frames, and limitations.)
Examples of Information giving responses:
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This project has a time frame of six weeks and should not exceed a budget of $850.
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Children at every level need touching and nurturing to develop self–worth.
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The support group can be used to meet others dealing with similar problems.
Responding to others' feelings with an information response increases the chances of their respecting and following the limits suggested.
Reassurance
Reassurance responses reduce anxiety, diffuse intense feelings, and express confidence. They provide a pat on the back, but imply that certain feelings or thoughts should be dismissed as being normal or common. This response does not foster a relationship because it tends to discount people's problems. Clichés fall into this category. Reassurance is often used by people who come upon a situation that is out of their realm of experience; they don't know what to do or say, and they may be embarrassed.?
Examples or Reassurance responses:
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Don't worry. Other people have made it; so will you.
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Things may look bad now, but it will be OK in the morning.
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You are not really fat.
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Welcome to the "new normal" post distaster lifesyle
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Hang in there. Disappointment is a normal feeling.
This response could be reworded into an understanding, clarifying or information–giving response and be more effective. Used as an expression of sympathy in conjunction with other responses can be helpful. For example, instead of You will manage, substitute You have handled this situation before. Relax and use your best judgment. Do what you feel is right for you (information giving) and I have confidence in you (reassurance).
Analytical
The intent of the analytical response is to analyze, explain, or interpret the other person's behavior and feelings. It goes beyond whatever the other has said to explain or connect ideas and events. Unlike clarification, this response adds something from your own thoughts, feelings, values, etc. It implies that you are wise, you know more than the other person. Under most circumstances the analytical response leads to resentment in others.
Examples of Analytic responses:
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The reason you are having so much trouble with him is that he reminds you of your father whom you hate.
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You often come to our group late because you really don't feel comfortable here.
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You see her as an authority figure; that is why you can't relate to her.
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You are lonely because you are afraid to risk getting involved with people.
The analytical response is more appropriate for therapists where there is an ongoing counseling relationship and where the patient needs to become aware of certain behavior or reaction patterns. Even then it sometimes works better to use an information–giving response. Interpretation is a poor response to use in confronting a person with behavior of which you disapprove.
Advice–giving
Advice giving is usually unproductive. It implies that you are in a position to know the reasons for the other person's problems, and what they ought, must, or should do about them. You are, thus, judging the goodness, appropriateness, effectiveness, or correctness of the other's actions. Others are being measured by your personal value system and are found somehow lacking. This is a process of blaming others for their own problems.
Examples of Advice-giving responses:
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If I were you, I'd write to him and ask him to send you something for the kids. You should get a divorce, it's the only answer to your marital problems.
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Instead of arguing, you should try to see the other person's viewpoint.
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You shouldn't say things like that.
Telling people what to do takes away their responsibility for decisions and problem solving. Advice often arouses resistance and resentment, even when there is outward compliance. Giving advice, even when requested can, foster dependency. Reword advice into an information–giving response or a question.
