Prologue to Tools for Handling Loss
I cried when I realized that I had lost my childhood while trying to play the adult to my mother, the dysfunctional child. In my naive way I had thought that my sacrifice would somehow save her.
I cried when I married and found out that the fantasy family I had always dreamed of could never be.
I cried when my only child was born with a developmental disability, even though I had hoped and prayed that my child would be able to have a better life than I had had.
I cried when my mother died, not because I would miss her, but because of all the words I wanted to say, all the things I wanted to get off my chest that she would never hear.
I cried when my marriage finally collapsed. My chance at finding true happiness in my lifetime was lost.
And now I cry, the tears streaming down my cheeks, because in the mirror I see the bitter, unhappy person I've become.
I cry because I know I'm acting dysfunctionally more and more, because I know I'm relying on compulsive behavior more and more just to get me through the day.
I cry because I feel myself becoming the person my mother was, a person I always hated and despised.
I also cry because for the first time in my life I see that I must learn to stop denying my hurt and pain.
I must acknowledge my right to feel anger and despair, to accept my terrible losses as they are, and to finally “let go” of the misery and pain that they bring to my life.
I welcome the changes that this “letting go” will bring. I know that if I cannot do this, the next loss I will cry for will be my own.
