What behavior patterns help in managing conflict?
Use “I” statements. Let the other party know how you feel when the conflict is occurring. Let the other person know how you react to the conflict. Let the other person know which of your rights you feel is being ignored in the conflict.
Be assertive, not aggressive. Speak about your feelings and your reactions. Keep the statements focused on how you are behaving, thinking, and feeling rather than on how the other is acting, feeling or thinking.
Speak calmly, coolly and rationally. In this way you will be listened to, and you will be able to maintain better control of yourself. Otherwise the other person may be put in a defensive attitude.
Avoid blaming. This will keep the communication flow going. It encourages understanding and empathy for each other's feelings. It recognizes that for a conflict to exist there must be at least two parties who are adversely affected by the conflict.
Create an atmosphere of healing. In an attempt to heal the wounds resulting from a conflict, all parties involved must feel that they are being listened to and understood; that their rights are being respected. They must feel the desire to work things out and a commitment to the process of working out the problems. They must feel wanted and cared for by the parties involved.
Be willing to forgive. Forgiveness is a powerful tool of healing. You have a chance for personal growth by forgiving others for their part in the hurt and pain you suffered. At times, this is the only way to resolve a conflict.
Be willing to forget. Once you have resolved a conflict and felt like you were listened to, cared for, and understood, then let go of the conflict. Once you have implemented an agreed resolution, put aside the conflict. Put it behind you. Get it out of your mind. Forget it. Don't bring it up in the future as if it had not been resolved. If you write down the resolution of the conflict, you will have written proof that it is over and is to be forgotten.
Be honest. In resolving a conflict it is imperative that you be honest with yourself and others about your feelings, and reactions to the conflict and to the resolutions. If you are feeling in a way you think you must, or in a way the others wants you to, not being yourself, then the resolution of the conflict is a false one. The conflict is sure to recur. You gain nothing by being dishonest in the management of conflict. You waste your time and energy and end up feeling failure or guilt rather than growth.
Focus on feelings rather than on content. Effective listening and responding are key elements in the productive resolution of conflict. Listen for the feelings and emotions of the other and reflect them with empathy and understanding. This creates an atmosphere of being cared for and listened to. It reduces defensiveness. It focuses on the process involved rather than on the issues, and it brings the parties to a clearer recognition of their individuality and humanity. To focus on feelings clarify the issues, eliminating extraneous items.
Show respect for yourself and for others. You will gain more in resolving a conflict by showing respect (honey), than by showing disrespect (vinegar), e.g., being vindictive, taking revenge, threatening, yelling, accusing, belittling, ostracizing, ignoring. If you are on the receiving end of disrespect, remove yourself as soon as possible. When the other has cooled down, perhaps the discussion can be continued in a respectful manner. If you lose your cool and become disrespectful, stop as soon as you can by either removing yourself or by silencing yourself. Maintaining a respectful atmosphere is essential in resolving conflict.
Be willing to apologize or admit a mistake. It is necessary to admit to one's mistake and to apologize for one's behavior before a stalemate in conflict resolution can be overcome. It takes courage, character, and fortitude to admit an error: a lack of judgment; an uncalled for action; disrespectful behavior; or a lack of caring, concern, or understanding. Stronger relationships can result when such willingness is exhibited.
Be willing to compromise. If you cling to your position as the only one to be considered, you are closing out the other person(s). To succeed in resolving conflict, all parties must feel like they have gained in the resolution. In order to resolve a conflict where the opposing parties are at opposite extremes on an issue, there is a need to come to the middle if all are to experience a winning posture. Only through compromise can each be a winner in conflict resolution. Without compromise, you have either given in and lost, or have gotten your own way with the other party having lost. Ideally, all parties should feel that they have won.
