Barriers in interpersonal relationships are instituted by the following irrational beliefs and behaviors:
Mistrust: lack of trust in your partner liking and accepting who you are rather than how she/he wants you to be. You are always on guard, vigilant, waiting to be taken advantage of in the relationship.
Fear of rejection: belief that your partner couldn't possibly like or accept you for who you are and that she/he will probably reject you sooner or later, so you are on the lookout for the slightest signs of rejection.
Need for approval: belief that you need ongoing approval from your partner. You remain cautious about the way you act, believe, feel, or behave so as not to offend or lose the approval of your partner.
Insecurity: belief that you cannot rely on yourself or on your partner to take care of you. You are continually anxious about how your personal needs will be met.
Inflexibility: belief that your way is the only or the best way for you and your partner to relate, act, interact, communicate, and problem solve. You hold to a rigid, structured, absolutist belief in the way things must be in your relationship.
Lack of autonomy: belief that your partner must act, believe, think, feel, behave, and relate like you do, spending all free time with you. This does not allow the two of you to behave as independent, functioning human beings.
Lack of communication: where active listening, effective, helpful responding, and open free problem solving is absent. It is either closed (one way) or parallel (talking in parallel or side-by-side with no listening) communication.
Avoidance of conflict: belief that if you two never argue, fight, or disagree, the chance of having a lasting relationship is better.
Lack of respect for the rights of the other: conscious or subconscious belief that your rights are the only ones that count in the relationship; therefore, acting in such a way that your partner's rights are ignored, negated, discounted, or offended.
Fear of intimacy: belief that if your partner gets too close, somehow she/he will know about the real, feeling, sensitive, and human you. This knowledge will make you very vulnerable to being hurt, thus you shy away from getting too close.
Need for control: belief that you can only enjoy a relationship with your partner if you are in complete control. If you are not in control, you will somehow be smothered, taken advantage of, or ignored.
Need for power: belief that you must be the most powerful or exert the most strength of will in the relationship. You believe that otherwise you will be consumed, become a wimp (Casper Milquetoast), be ignored, be powerless, and therefore ineffectual in the relationship.
Irresponsible: belief that you have little or no responsibility for the relationship or for your partner. You do nothing to nurture the relationship or to help your partner cope with life.
Over responsible: belief that you are solely responsible for the welfare and well being of both the relationship and your partner; therefore, you do things to improve the relationship and to cover for your partner's lack of responsibility.
Low self-esteem: belief that you are worthless, of no value, with nothing to offer in a relationship. You either take no initiative in the relationship or you continually feel and act inferior, defensive, tentative, or resistant.
Fantasy or idealized image of what a relationship should be and how those in it should interact: idealistic and unrealistic standards, often unobtainable, yet their lack of attainment leads to depression and dissatisfaction with the relationship, your partner, or yourself.
Lack of healthy role models: lack of an appropriate example (role model) of a healthy relationship, not knowing what normal is. Children from dysfunctional families often feel that somehow things aren't right but seldom can pinpoint the problem of having unhealthy role models.
Chronic hostility: chronic anger due to your high stress background. This may lead to resentment and hostility toward yourself and others. You cannot hide this hostility; therefore, your partner might misread it, take it personally, and thus be hurt.
Hiding feelings: belief that you should never let your partner know your feelings, especially if they are negative or self-deprecating. The result of not revealing your feelings, be they positive or negative, is that your partner is left in the dark and must always guess at what is really going on with you.
Lack of positive reinforcement: belief that you do not have to reinforce your partner for the good she/he does, says, or relates. Without the support of positive verbal or physical feedback regarding sensitivity and kindness, your partner develops a sense of apathy, lethargy, or lack of desire to please in the relationship.
Overdependence: belief that without your partner you are nothing, incompetent, meaningless. It means clinging to your partner in such a way that you never act independently, requiring and expecting full support for the majority of your thinking, believing, and problem solving.
Too independent: belief that you cannot afford to risk depending on anyone except yourself for fear of becoming vulnerable to being hurt, let down, rejected, or disappointed if your partner does not respond fully to any request for assistance, support, or help. Your behavior, therefore, keeps you and your partner separate and unconnected.
Chronic depression: chronic state of melancholy about yourself and life in general. This interferes with complete appreciation of your relationship with your partner. Your behavior and emotional state can give the message that your partner is the cause for your depression, upsetting the relationship.
Avoidance of risk taking: belief that it is better never to take a risk than to take a risk and fail. In order for a relationship to begin or to grow, active risk taking by each partner is essential. In the absence of healthy risk taking, relationships are usually dead-end.
Absence of fun: belief that having fun is frivolous and unnecessary in nurturing a relationship. Such a belief can lead to the partners' taking themselves and their relationship too seriously and becoming problem focused in their interactions.
